True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
