hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
