im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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