Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
