Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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