2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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