I puked a lego.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
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He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
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Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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