I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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