it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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