I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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