Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
