We named our party play list daddy issues
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
