Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
