mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
