onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
