i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
