I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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