Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
