I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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