Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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