Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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