I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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