I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
