Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
