I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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