Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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