i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
