I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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