i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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