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we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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