I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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