I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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