Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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