I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
