alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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