when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
