He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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