; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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