Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
