How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
