He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My room smells like vodka and shame
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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