Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
