at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
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I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
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Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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