You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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