Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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