Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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