I hate all girls vehemently.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
