As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
