My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm like, not good at living.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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