the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
where are my eyebrows?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
