batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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