I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
