just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
