I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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