better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
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I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
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Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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