First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
