Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
